simeone says

It’s been a while. Nothing like a pandemic that shuts down the country to inspire some writing. In the last year (wow, that long, huh?), I’ve been absent on this blog because I felt like I had run out of meaningful things to say. I also felt like I couldn’t or didn’t want to talk about the topics related to an assault that I normally do during SAAM because, well, life’s been so normal.

Because life has been so normal, I felt like a fraud talking about something that seems to have happened to a completely different person. If I’m being honest, I also was really happy to finally feel so normal, I wanted to walk out on my identity of being a sexual assault survivor. Ironically, life began to feel the most normal at a time where the world is anything but that.

Last Saturday, I watched as the classes of 2020 celebrate their various high school, college, med-school, and grad school graduations via live streams and social distancing parking lot gatherings. All their posts had the same sentiment – “this is not how I thought this moment was going to go, but we made the best of it”. Well-meaning comments on their posts reminding them how they were going to come out of everything stronger.

I talked to one of my college friends about what it must be like to be living through that. The disillusionment they felt that the moment they worked for and dreamed of for years was not getting the recognition it deserved. The anxiety brought on by the fact that their next steps, whether it the job market, college, or grad school, were now showered with uncertainty for even if their future plans were still happening, it certainly won’t look the same as they thought. At least not at first. And how minimizing it must feel to have people tell it’s ok because you’ll get through it stronger. My friend in all his witty and dark humor replied, “Yeah, remember how you celebrated your graduation and were all excited about pursuing your CSCS certification and then 4 months later, while following said dreams, you were raped and it changed your life forever. Remember that?”

Forever? That’s kind of dramatic. Years maybe, but, surely not forever, right? Maybe so. I cannot relate much to the Sarah who spent years suffering after being assaulted, but I’m also not the Sarah I was before that either. Granted, is anyone really the same at 28 as they were at 22? No. But I cannot relate to the 28-year old that pre-assualt 22-year-old dreamed of being either. Because here’s the thing, we carry our moments of impact with us indefinitely, but the weight of them, how we choose to carry them, and what they mean to us remains fluid over time.

For years, my rape was a buffalo sized boulder that was too heavy to carry, so I rolled it up a steep hill, alone. And too afraid to ask for help to move it. Its presence loomed in the darkness in my room at night, its form taking the shape of nightmares, shame, guilt, and helplessness.

When I finally recruited my “best friend” and boyfriend at the time to help me roll it, my trauma became a slightly smaller boulder, chaotically bouncing along, ruthless in destroying anything in its way. It chipped away the glossy veneer of those relationships and what lied underneath crumbled. As those relationships withered away, my trauma became a small pebble I carried in my shoe. Tucked away. Easily concealed. Always there. Nagging.

During the day, that pebble in my shoe reminded me of the real reason I was too afraid to go out to bars with my friends. Convinced me not to open up to anyone for fear they’d not be able to handle the truth. Urged me to seek out comfort in the stories of people who I knew had their own pebble. But, every night our shoes come off. And living with a stranger who noticed the pebble in the shoe reminded me that this started as a boulder needing to be carried, but now it was a pebble that needed to be seen and set free.

Eventually, I felt free from the sharp edges of trauma. The pebble in the was gone and in its place, my trauma became a tattoo. Less painful, but always there and ready to be seen by anyone who encountered it. It inspired me to write blogs. Encouraged me to join the RAINN Speaker’s Bureau. Motivated me to show up for those who were carrying the same trauma. Reminded me of these things at night when sleep was absent, fear high, and the future uncertain.

As the nights got easier and the days got easier too, I continued to carry my trauma as a tattoo. Out of sight out of mind. I covered the tattoo often. Only to catch brief glimpses of it at night. It threatened the normalcy I had come to relish in. The novelty of it wore thin. I couldn’t remember being the girl who got it in the first place. Surely, it could be removed?

But, once I decided not to outwardly wear my trauma and carry it’s reminder daily, it still felt present. This time as a scenic painting curated for a well-decorated apartment. Something that took a lot of time to craft and whose beauty is both pleasing to the eye and stimulating to the mind. Like most house decor, it’s not looked at daily. Slowly, but surely, it blends into your surroundings while remaining a conversation piece for people entering your space for the first time. On the odd moment, every now and then, it pops out to me as if I’m seeing it and it’s beauty for the first time. It reminds me that fear necessitates tenacity to conquer it. It reminds me that empathy builds bridges. Most importantly, it reminds me of the importance of having art and photographs to allow us to look back on the things that can no longer be reflected in a mirror.

This message is for the classes of 2020 or for anyone who is feeling that the pandemic has segmented their life into a before or after, moment of impact.

Let this moment suck. Because it does. When circumstances don’t align with our dreams, our goals, our prayers, or our aspirations, it sucks. It sucks because we have to not only let go of our idealized timeframes for completion of these things but also come to the realization that we do not always get what we deserve.

Figure out how to carry it now. You deserve to carry your devastation how it best suites you now, without judgement. Stay way from the things or the people tell you other wise or make you feel guilty for doing so.

Recognize it can and will change. There are a lot of things happening right now that we will not soon forget. If you’re one of the many people put in a tough situation right now, know that how while you will not forget this, what you choose to do with it or how you carry it with you can and will change. Sometimes, it’s easy to focus on your “survival mode” and what that feels like. But, it won’t always be like that. It’s not a straight upward trajectory to better, but it will take different forms. Each form brings out a new, more evolved version of yourself, if you let it.

Stronger – adjacent. You will come out of this experience different. It will continually shape you and guide you in some way here on out. For better and for worse. People will say you will come out of it stronger. The reason that is limited in the power it has advice is the keyword out. If it’s always with you, are you ever out of it? But, you will recognize things in you that you didn’t before. Fear, anxiety, sadness. But also, tenacity, resilience, empathy, creativity, and strength.